Last month, I started swiping again—mostly left—for the first time in years. I live in New York City, so while I can’t complain about slim pickings, I will complain about decision fatigue and general ennui. Even so, dating in my thirties isn’t necessarily worse—it’s just different.

It’s amazing what the space between 28 and 33 years old has done in terms of narrowing my dating criteria, making me more protective over my free time, and lowering my sense of urgency around finding my next partner. Yes, despite the ticking biological clock and societal messaging that I should’ve found “the one” a decade ago, I feel less urgency. I’ve surveyed a few of my dates and found they share a similar sentiment. Allow me to explain.

Whereas first dates in my twenties centered largely on the future—what we were looking for, who we wanted to become, what kind of life we envisioned for ourselves—first dates in my thirties have tended to focus on the fullness of the lives we’ve already built. Rather than looking for partners to help us become the person we want to be, we are looking for people with whom to share the person we already are...and, perhaps more to the point, already like.

For me, this has meant that while I’ve gone on a decent number of first dates, I’ve rarely gone on a second. I’m no longer asking myself whether or not I click with someone enough to spend more time with them. Instead, I’m gauging whether or not I would choose to spend time with a (basically) stranger over grabbing dinner with a friend, hitting up an “Adult Beginner Hot Bitch” hip hop class (check out Good Move dance studio if you’re ever in New York), or ordering in and hanging with my cats.  

Only time will tell how this strategy pans out, but for now, my hypothesis is this: the more I invest in my life as an unpartnered person, the better decisions I will make about partners. It’s not rocket science, but for this anxiously attached babe, it feels new.

Stay tuned and stay tender,
Casey

Photo Credit: Bridget Jones’s Diary