My younger self experienced different hardships depending on her age, and each hardship produced different triggers and survival strategies. My inner five-year-old, for example, was forced into workaholism by perfectionistic parents. My inner twelve-year-old developed severe social anxiety after experiences of isolation due to chronic pain. My inner sixteen-year-old established codependent patterns during her parents’ divorce. You get the picture.

And yet, until now, I have been attempting to soothe the pain of my inner child as if she was a single age, going through everything all at once. Understandably, I was finding it hard to get through to her—a five-year-old needs a quite different parenting approach from a twelve-year-old, let alone a teenager!

Savvy parenting isn’t just knowing the basics about developing secure attachments—presence, consistency, empathy—it’s also about knowing your child. Attuning to their specific pain points, and responses to that pain. The same is true as we attempt to reparent our inner children; we have the opportunity to get to know each younger version of ourselves intimately, perhaps in a way that no one cared to know us at the time.

We can be more effective in soothing ourselves by custom tailoring our reparenting to the place and time of the part of us that is activated. The next time you’re activated, shut-down, or dissociated, close your eyes. Try to imagine the age of the part that is raising its hand for attention. Ask yourself, “Who was this kid? What were they going through? What would they have wished for?” Your inner five-year-old might need a hug, while your inner eighteen-year-old might want to show you song lyrics that resonate with them.  

A Few Tips To Get You Started

• If you’re having trouble attuning to what younger parts of you need, think about the young people in your life today. Think about characters of that age group in a TV show or movie. This imagery can help spark memories about what it was like for you to be that age.
• Try giving your inner child some options!  When reparenting, it’s okay not to get it right the first time. You might try giving your inner child a deep breathing technique, only to find out that what they really need is to be distracted by play. Our inner children feel seen when we stick with them after we get it not-quite-right the first time.
• As you learn about different iterations of your inner child, write about them. What do they look like, sound like, and ask for? What responses from your inner wisdom tend to feel the most soothing to that version of you? Similar parts of you will tend to arise on repeat, so consult your journal for reparenting strategies that have worked in the past.
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Photo Credit: Yellowjackets