My name is Casey, and I’m a workaholic—a recovering one, that is. Like all who are living under capitalism, I learned to value myself to the extent that I could produce, perform, and outperform. I used to think that I didn’t know how to rest—after all, it wasn’t something that was ever modeled for me—but about a year ago I realized that the problem was much deeper. I was disgusted by rest.

More to the point, I was disgusted by myself even when I would just dip my toe into the waters of rest. Don’t get me wrong—I could binge a good Netflix series just as well as the next person—but the entire time I would be anxious, restless, and, frankly, miserable. I was always waiting for footsteps (Whose? I’m not sure) to enter my bedroom and a voice to scream, “Casey, DO something with yourself.”  

Admitting that I was disgusted by rest was the first step towards what I’ve ultimately come to understand as the solution to my personal workaholism: learning how to be disgusted by our culture of overworking. Of course, there should be large-scale solutions to our collective experience of work and productivity, but this was somewhere for me to start.

I also needed to learn how to fall in love with the thing I felt most afraid of: slowing down. Whenever I dialed in my sense of urgency, the inner critic about my self-worth grew louder. This was not going to be an overnight, instantaneous kind of transformation; instead, it would need to be a nuanced practice of leaning into the minutiae of everyday life and learning how to tolerate the discomfort.

Over the course of several months, I realized that I needed to start my day from a place of calm mindfulness, or else my anxiety would take charge of my entire day. I made the following promises to myself about mornings:
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• I will give my attention to the tree outside my window before I give it to my phone.
• I will not multitask through making or eating breakfast.
• I will light a candle every day.
• I will read for fun before I read for work, even if for just five minutes.
• I will keep “Do Not Disturb” on my phone until 9am.

The key to making promises about rest? Not letting them become new, rigid rules for a different kind of productivity. I don’t go through these rituals in order to have a “more productive” work day; I keep these promises because they are, in and of themselves, valuable for my well-being.  

When was the last time you assessed your relationship to rest? Is there one promise you can make to yourself today to help shift this relationship?

Photo Credit: Sex Education