On a recent trip to visit my best friend, I found one of those friendship intimacy card decks in her glove compartment and we decided to give it a go. After moving through different prompts that gave us ample opportunity to express our mutual admiration, we hit a speed bump. The card asked, “What does the other person do that gives you the ick?”

After a back-and-forth of, “You go first…No, you go first,” she graciously went first. She told me that when she sees some of my TikTok content, specifically the kind where I awkwardly stare into the camera and point to different text that pops up, she gets the ick. Ooof.

‍It was only after her disclosure that I realized I had been holding out hope that she wouldn’t be able to think of a single ick. After all, this is my best friend we’re talking about. Shouldn’t everything I do be the absolute coolest in her eyes? Apparently not.

In thinking about the conversations I’ve had with clients over the years about both lovers and friends, I feel certain that I’m not alone in my fantasy that my closest relationships will come without annoyances and disgust responses. Ironically, the closer we get to someone else, and the closer we allow them to get to us, the more opportunities there will be for the ick.

The fantasy of love without icks is one that we must grieve in order to engage in any kind of caring relationship. Here are a few pointers that have helped me along the way.

Build your tolerance for annoyance.

If you’re looking for friendships or partnerships wherein the other person doesn’t annoy you (and I mean really annoy you), you’ll likely find yourself in a series of short-term relationships. We are all annoying! This isn’t bad news; this is freedom.  

Don’t avoid the icks.

Upon hearing about my friend’s ick, every part of me wanted to change my social media strategy. After a few deep breaths, though, I knew that changing myself wasn’t the answer. Adapting ourselves based on the icks of those around us is a slippery slope. We build resilience in relationships by holding our icks alongside our love for one another. My friend wasn’t asking me to change, she was just acknowledging that we are different people who approach things differently. Those differences might feel threatening, but loving relationships can hold those differences with care.

Acknowledge when icks are triggers.

Our ick responses can say a lot more about us than they do about the other person.  Experiencing an “ick” isn’t necessarily a sign that it’s time to give someone else feedback. In fact, it might be a great time to check in with yourself! When and how did you learn to find this icky? Have other people found this icky in you? Is this a quality you monitor in your own life? How important is it to be self-conscious about the parts of you that have been criticized?

I look back on this conversation with my friend with fondness. I appreciate her bravery in responding to the prompt, and that she also made space for me to talk about how scary it is to feel seen as someone who is capable of being annoying. Rather than leaving the conversation feeling more afraid of giving her the ick, I actually felt more secure in knowing that the container of our relationship is vast enough to hold the moments when we find each other, well, icky.

Holding space for moments of ick and annoyance in relationships is part of love and community care. In fact, it’s a necessary skill for navigating difficult conversations around life, love, politics, work, family, and more. How will you respond the next time you notice the ick?

Photo Credit: Schitt’s Creek